Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It's never too late to be topless.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
