I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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