Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
