I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
