So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I lost the right to judge tonight
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
