there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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