A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
