Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
