well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Boobs speak an international language.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
