It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
