I should be sponsored by Trojan
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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