i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
