i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
