i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
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My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
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I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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