ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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