woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
