I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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