i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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