you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
