Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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