remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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