I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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