I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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