I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
this beer tastes like vomit already
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
