Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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