Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
