I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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