I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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