seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
