I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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