So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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