I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i think my cat just said my name.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
