your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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