I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
