Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...