yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
