I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
