you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
