I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
