you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
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Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
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Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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