What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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