I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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