I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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