Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
