meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
