a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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