So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
