happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
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I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
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AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"