we have officially lost it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.