If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
