I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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