THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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