omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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