ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
nutella sex= disaster
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"