dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
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Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?