Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
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Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
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Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage