I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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