I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
