im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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