Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
