I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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