What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
