how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
