The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
