Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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