ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
