were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
